I need to choose a restaurant for lunch this week. I started wondering if some of the choices I would have enjoyed over years past will be available in the future.
Please realize this is satire, but, like all satire, I don’t really see this as something which could not happen. Are we going to ban all restaurants from “Muslim countries?” Will all Mexican restaurants be determined illegal?
At least unless they only serve taco bowls?
So, I have some ideas of Trump acceptable restaurants in this Brave New World we have entered.
Tweet in the Box– Here’s the concept. My restaurant tweets what we will serve today and you buy it. Like it or not. All responses will be ignored.
Executive Order– Very similar, but different. You come in, we order for you. Vegetarian? You get chicken pot pie. Gun lover? You get chicken pot pie. We decide for you based on what we think is best for you. You’re fucking welcome.
Ted and Donnie’s Cheeseface Factory– How do I not get Ted Cruz into this? He was always trying to tag along with Trump’s lead. The color of Trump’s face combined with the texture of Cruz’s face. Let’s make this very clear, you will not like the food nor should you. It is not good for you and will probably make you sick, but at least it’s patriotic.
Bigly– This restaurant is very similar to The Golden Arches except everything is gold and the food is still just as shitty for you. But you’ll eat it anyway. And it costs way more.
Fork and Pie– Pizza joint in which every piece comes with a fork. Use it!
Alternative Facts– Feel free to browse our menu and what we say the caloric intake is of each meal. If you order a chicken sandwich and get a hamburger that is 600 calories more than what the menu tells you. Don’t know what to tell you. We believe that is a chicken sandwich and that the caloric information we posted to be true. It’s your fault if you don’t agree.
Prince Charming Bar and Grill– He knows what’s best for you, so only men can decide what women will be eating. Men, of course, can order for themselves.
The Spicer Rack– I have no intention of lying to you. That veggie burger is 100% angus beef.
The Press Pen– You must order your food from a small area in the back of the restaurant and hope that it gets delivered without getting spat on.
Beyond the Wall– For when you really want great Mexican food, you can enjoy a Taco Bowl, but made from only all American ingredients. Oh, and that’s Mexican?
The Climate Change– You must register and get a punch card. Each visit means a hotter (spicier) meal. What are you whining about? It’s not really hotter. That’s a China propaganda piece. Why only Kung Pao Chicken is served.
The Pipeline– You don’t want to eat here, but will run it through your living room anyway. Might as well accept it. Still runs through your living room and does not stop there.
Middle Class– Two menus. Dollar meal with extremely small portions. Or $100 steaks you get to eat in front of those eating the dollar meals. Because nothing makes rich people feel better than showing off to the poor.
The Orange Meathead– Hamburger joint with little substance, fattening, full of bread, and all buns get an orange tint to them (pumpkin spice). You might think this looks like an appealing option, but you will be fiercely disappointed after you sink your teeth into it.