We Need a Ban on Toddlers, Bigly!

I, as many of you, watched Donald Trump deliver a speech to America in Phoenix the other night.  I didn’t watch it all.  I couldn’t.

It was a very, very bad speech.

And I can understand why so many of you think that Trump not being good at reading off a teleprompter is just fine.  It means he’s not a real politician.

And I hate myself for writing about Trump again.  Because he may be a piece of shit, but the only reason the other piece of shit in the race may win is because Trump is such a heaping pile of shit that it makes her look good.

Yes, I am arguing that the lesser of two evils argument is similar to two piles of shit next to each other.  I mean, which one do you keep?

I won’t let go of the fact that she continues to lie.  I cannot let go of the fact that Clinton doesn’t really care about our democracy.  Mocks it even.  She claims transparency but refuses to do any press conferences even though there’s been plenty for her to talk to America about.  Oh, and all she does is take money from donors.  No speeches.  No rallies.  None of it.  All closed doors.  Nice new plane by the way.  She is buying her place in American history.  At any cost.

I was reading about all the earthquakes in Oklahoma this year.  Immediately I thought about the “progressive who will get things done” and her stance on fracking.  And the money received from the oil industry.


Trump goes out and makes the case that immigrants are horrible people.  The man who has had three marriages and the two longest ones were to immigrants.

Trump makes his case by calling illegal immigrants everything bad.  We all know he told us they are rapists and criminals, but the other night he said…

Countless Americans who have died in recent years would be alive today if not for the open border policies of this administration and the administration that causes this horrible, horrible thought process, called Hillary Clinton.

Countless?  There are people who have counted them.  That’s their job.

Trump is also on record for saying that many, many people would have lived in San Bernadino and Paris had they been carrying guns.  Because reasonable gun control policies do not make sense.

But all the Die Hard movies do make sense.

Life is a shoot out.

Anyway, Trump begins to tell the stories of people who were shot and killed by immigrants.  He basically counted off the people who have been killed.

A 2011 report from the Government Accountability Office found that illegal immigrants and other non-citizens, in our prisons and jails together, had around 25,000 homicide arrests to their names, 25,000.

Sounds like somebody has been counting.

All I want is if somebody is going to argue we speak English in this country, then that person better know how to use the English language.

Trump gave five examples of people being killed by illegal immigrants.  He didn’t count them, because then they wouldn’t be countless, but he gave the examples.

Like this.

Also among the victims of the Obama-Clinton open borders policy was Grant Ronnebeck, a 21-year-old convenience store clerk and a really good guy from Mesa, Arizona. A lot of you have known about Grant.

He was murdered by an illegal immigrant gang member previously convicted of burglary, who had also been released from federal custody, and they knew it was going to happen again.

I don’t even want to get into the number of gang related deaths and killings which happen in our country on a daily basis.  I just don’t.  Because the real problem isn’t Obama or Clinton or the fact that these people are illegal immigrants.  The problem is deeper.

It’s societal.  And for every death he can count off, I think we can count off deaths of different types from different cultures or of different types.

I realize that Trump is trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator of Americans.  I understand this.  Otherwise he wouldn’t have decided to do his speech in Phoenix where they have passed horrible laws in regards to non-white people.

As I was watching, I thought about stories I have seen that toddlers have killed more people than terrorist acts.  The fact is that there have been more than five killings.

The fact is that these add up.

The fact is that loaded guns should not be left out for children to play with, because the television tells us that guns are exciting.

So here’s my Trumpish speech on banning all toddlers.

We have  very serious problem in America people.  Very serious.


They are killing our fathers and mothers and neighbors.  They are shooting them dead.

It’s horrible.  Absolutely horrible.

Countless numbers of people have been killed by toddlers in the past few years.  Countless.  Very sad.

In 2013, there was a five month stretch in which 11 different deaths occurred from toddlers.  We can’t have this.

I say ban all toddlers.

Once  your wobbly kneed kids start to roam this earth, they should be sent to Romper Room until they are old enough to know better.

Here are a few examples which will remain uncounted from 2013.

April 6: Josephine Fanning, 48, shot and killed by 4-year-old boy at a barbecue, Wilson County, Tenn.

April 8: 4-year-old shoots and kills 6-year-old friend Brandon Holt, Toms River, N.J.

April 9: 3-year-old is killed after he finds a pink gun that he thinks is a toy, Greenville, S.C.

Sad.  Very sad.

I love the people of South Carolina.  And Tennessee.  New Jersey is fine, but that kid named Brandon had it coming.

So we have a toddler problem.  They are coming into our lives.  They are absorbing all of our time.  They are finding the guns we leave laying around and they are shooting each other and us.  And us people.  Very sad.

We have to keep toddlers out of our lives.  They are so needy.

I’m not sure what the best answer is right now, but I know we have a toddler problem epidemic.

Maybe we create a scientific way for our children to never be 3 to 6 years old.

Maybe we lock them up for four years and not let them out of Romper Room like I said before.

Maybe we just keep anybody who doesn’t make at least one billion dollars from having children.  Because, you know I’ve always had nannies to raise my kids.  Each and every one.  And it’s a beautiful thing.  Not one of my kids has shot any humans.  Just elephants.  And bears.  And whatever else they can afford to shoot in a controlled environment.

Maybe it was another human?  That human probably didn’t have as good of a life as Donald Jr. anyway and probably wanted it to end.  But I’m pretty sure that non of my kids shot anything as a toddler.  I had very good nannies.  Very good.

So I’m calling for a Constitutional and immediate ban on all toddlers in our country.  And I know where toddlers come from.  It’s disgusting.

*pulls out a poster with a picture of a clown and a line drawn over it’s head*

You must be this tall to be in our country.

Think of all the lives we save.

Because guns don’t kill people.  Toddlers who find guns laying around kill people.

Believe me.  I’m going to fix this.



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