If Twitter Were 60

I’ve always been glad that my kids haven’t overshared on social media.  I may have also pointed out how ridiculous it is when others do.

Some people really do.

I made a Facebook page for the cat years ago.  All of my daughters’ friends added her.

She would make comments like “I love tuna, mol” (meowing out loud) and on and on.  It was good fun.  But some of my daughters’ friends really overshared.  I knew way too much about which boyfriend they were with today and what they were doing after school.  Too much.

And then there’s Donald Trump, who I picture (not pleasantly) sitting in his bed with striped pajamas on using his phone to make inflammatory comments on Twitter before he puts a blindfold on and goes to sleep.

His maids go in and wash his sheets every morning so he doesn’t have to see the orange residue left by his horrible tan.

I’m guessing they’ve always had to do that.

Even when he was a teenager.

That’s what this post is about.  I’m imagining an oversharing Donald Trump as a teenager.

What if Twitter was 60 years old?

I didn’t know Lucille Ball was a redhead when I was a kid because she was only on black and white.  I guess I never thought about it.

Trump would still be orange.  His twitter profile picture would be black and white.

I imagine his teenage posts would be something like this.

I had to poop.  Bigly.  Much better now.


Zitty Billy better watch it next time we play pickle ball.  I will destroy him.  Just watch.


Many people have told me Little Stevie stuff his pants.  I don’t know if it’s true, but sad if it is.

These are fun to imagine.

Loser Mrs. Schwartz treats me unfairly and gives me a C.  #gradingonacurve.  Bad!

And then.

.@GeorgeWBush My dad can beat up your dad.  Watch it!

.@JebBush My dad can beat up your dad too.  And you are low energy.  Sad!

And then there would be the relationship tweets.

So Deborah Finkle thinks she can break up with me and start dating Dumb Johnny just because he plays football.  Already have a more attractive gf.  Loser.

New gf Gorgeous Jennifer is so much better than your gfs.

Gorgeous Jennifer has the best of everything.  And she’s not like other girls.  Believe me.

Gorgeous Jennifer is so amazing. I’m very lucky and you all are very unlucky.

Just caught Jennifer talking to another boy.  Not good!

Sorry Stacy is starting rumors that I have cheated on Jennifer with every cheerleader.  Totally a lie that she cannot prove!

Sorry Stacy starts rumors that she can’t prove because she wants me and Gorgeous Jennifer to break up!

People are starting to say Sorry Stacy has a huge crush on me.

Bitty Titty Tara asked me to go to Sadie Hawkins dance.  C cup or higher ladies.  #gradingonacurve

Just heard Paul and Becky just broke up.  So sad.  I am free tomorrow night @Becky912.

Strange Little @Becky912 says she would never date me.  95% of girls in school would!  #missingout

Most of the girls in school have said I’m very good @Becky912.  Probably too good for you.

Just found out that @Becky912 has no money.  Sad!

Just found out people who have no money like @Becky912 get money from government to go to our school.  Broke Becky is scamming govt.

People are saying that I’m the best catch in school and that Broke Becky wouldn’t date me because she didn’t want me to find out she is very very poor.

@Becky912 also known as Broke Becky just begged me to date her.  Begged.  Not going to happen.

I think everybody knows that @Becky912 had her chance and missed out.

Jealous Jennifer just broke up with me.  If she can’t handle my popularity THEN I DON’T WANT HER!!!!

Jealous Jennifer is such a loser to break up with me.  Fact is she wasn’t good enough.

Since ball and chain Jealous Jennifer is out of the picture, who wants to date The Donald?  Remember, C cup or higher #gradingonacurve

So much popularity for me since I broke up with Jealous Jennifer.  She’s such a loser I feel bad.

I wish I could date all the wonderful women who have shown interest.  I love you all.

Still available for Sadie Hawkins dance.  Who will be the lucky girl?  Make Dances Great Again.

Just found out Jealous Jennifer has a date for Sadie Hawkins dance.  I am boycotting Sadie Hawkins!

Jealous Jennifer can date whoever she wants.  I don’t care.

I will not be attending stupid dance if Jealous Jennifer is there.  Holding my own dance in barn.

My dad has given me $500 to hold my own dance.  Everybody knows the barn is the best barn in town.

Remember, I am the only one who is self funding my dance.  Funding for school dance from the rich donors to the elite prep school.

So unfair why people are saying Jealous Jennifer is going to dance with another guy.  My hands are very very big.

I just wanted to say that Jealous Jennifer never had a problem with my hands while we were together.  In fact, she kept asking to see them!

My hands are the greatest, strongest hands of any boy in the the school.  And I have the most stamina too.

I noticed today at school that people kept looking at my hands when they passed me.  I’m sure Jealous Jennifer is missing them.

Nobody looks at Little Stevie’s hands like they do mine!

Remember, my dance will be so much better with better music and better lights than the stupid school dance.

I will make dances great again with so much better food.  Believe me.

Just found out there is great buzz for my dance.  Wow.  Thank you.

All the popular kids are going to my dance and not the one Jealous Jennifer is attending.

Just confirmed the woman with the largest breasts in school!  Amazing!

All the cheerleaders are going to my dance and my dance only.


Don’t believe the unfair yearbook photos this year.  They won’t show how empty the gym was!  My dance was bigger.

My dance was amazing last night.  So many girls commented on my hands.  Amazing!

So sad so many people were too stubborn and missed out on a great time.

Little Stevie, called that because he stuffs his pants, is spreading rumors nobody went to my dance.  Sad!

Little Stevie can meet me behind the locker room at noon.  My large hands will crush him.

Found out Jealous Jennifer took Little Stevie to Sadie Hawkins dance.  Pathetic.

Little Stevie better watch his back.

People are saying Jealous Jennifer has a horrible time last night with Little Stevie.

So sad Jealous Jennifer couldn’t control her emotions and went to the dance with a loser.

Complete loser Little Stevie went to the dance with Jealous Jennifer last night and people are saying they never danced once!

People also saying Little Stevie and Jealous Jennifer never held hands!!!  Sad!!!!

Okay, I had to stop.  The Donald missed the noon fight behind the locker room because he had to watch orange paint dry and Jennifer and Stevie were prom king and queen and Becky went on to a successful career as a doctor.

And don’t worry about the Bush family.  A little cocaine couldn’t stop them.


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