It Doesn’t Really Matter


I have spent 12 of the last 14 months not working.  The job I had was too much driving with little future.  I quit.  I made a conscientious decision to better my life.  To roll the dice.  Gamble.

I have argued that is all life is.  A series of dice rolls.  Gambling with each and every decision we make.  If we are smart, we make bets that are low risk, but if we only take those low risks, we may not ever truly be happy.

I’ve taken a few high risk gambles in my life.  I took one that felt low risk until I got into it.  We never truly know until the die stops rolling.

There is no plan.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason.

We can find reasons for things.  We can justify events.  We can pretend like there’s some master plan.  But I’m convinced that shit just happens.

After what seems like 200 interviews, I was finally offered a position.  It isn’t great.  The company does seem like a good company and my boss isn’t an ass hole.  I haven’t been able to say that for a while.  The pay is only okay.  I’ve made more every year I’ve worked for over a decade.  Another gamble.

I was training in another state when Ted Cruz and John Kasich quit running for president on consecutive days.  They opened the door for that extraordinary douche to take the nomination.  The manager where I was training mentioned it and decided it would be a good idea to ask me where I stood on politics.  Who does that?

One of my flaws is that I don’t back down from too many conversations.  So I told him.

His response was that he doesn’t really pay attention because all politicians are corrupt.  He said, “It doesn’t really matter.”

The only other person in the room was a guy who seemed just as disengaged with the system as anybody I’ve ever known.

I sit here almost a month later with my dog sleeping on my lap tapping out characters underneath my fingers to say that he may be right.

It doesn’t really matter.

The system was designed to make us feel that way.  The system works in exactly that way.

It doesn’t really matter.

And there’s nothing you and I are ever going to do about it.

We won’t.

Because the last month has been exhausting for me.  I realize that is partly because I haven’t worked much over the last year plus, but I am exhausted.  I’m not sure that will end soon.

This weekend is my first two day weekend since starting this job and that’s only because the holiday has shut the place down.

I woke with my legs not feeling fatigued for the first time in a month.

Yes, I’m the boss, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do any physical work.

My head rested this morning, I put this dog on a leash, (bluetooth) plugged in some music, and went to the dog park for the first time in a few weeks.  I thought about how the system works.

This was an incredible year to not work.  I sat in my chair day after day watching the complete horseshit that existed day to day.  Watching Donald Trump’s twitter feed wondering what goes on in his head.  Watching how all these politicians on the right tried to become more and more absurd each day.  I saw it all.

The carnival of carnivals.  And it’s not over.

I read stories of corruption by the Clinton campaign.  Watched how she strategically created environments which made her look good.  Small speeches instead of rallies.  Only supporters are let in.  Few and far between.  Watching the poll numbers to see if a change needed to be made.  Read of voter suppression.

She was spotted a huge lead in the first quarter and played it safe.  Played not to lose.  It appears it will work.  I’ve seen teams crumble when they have a big lead and implement this strategy.

But now I’m working.  All the time.  I don’t want to watch the news.  I don’t want to see how mainstream media spins this or that.  I don’t have the patience.

Who does?

Society is exhausted.  Regularly.  Why the media tells us what to think.  Why they take the guess work out of it.  Pick a station with a slant and they will tell you how to feel about events and which politicians to vote for and why certain things are happening.

Corporately Modified Information.

It’s designed to wear us down.

I walked this dog back from the dog park thinking about this.  Comparing and contrasting how I feel when I have the time to actually investigate and think for myself.  I realized that the rest of the world probably doesn’t have the “luxury” I had.

It doesn’t really matter.

The Libertarian Party nominated Gary Johnson yesterday.  He will run for president again.

It doesn’t really matter.

The Libertarian Party is the where the Tea Party sprouted from.  These are the most selfish people in our society.  They stand for only their own needs and greed.  Not even they can get their message to the people.

Jill Stein from the Green Party impresses me when she talks.

It doesn’t really matter.

She will be dismissed as an outsider.  As irrelevant.

Just like David Koch was when he was on the ticket in 1980 for the Libertarian Party.

Now the Koch Brothers dictate how the conservative party thinks and feels and talks.  What a difference.

It’s actually amazing.

Because since 1980 most of the country kept telling themselves that it doesn’t really  matter.  All the politicians are corrupt.  They are all crooked.  So a little power and money went a long way.

George W. Bush used the 9/11 attacks to start two wars which helped Dick Cheney’s former company Halliburton make millions off tax payer money.  Bush also used the attacks to push the Patriot Act through.  A horrible, horrible piece of legislation.

But it doesn’t really matter.  It doesn’t.

The conversation has moved so far to the right that the for sure nominee for the Democratic party holds (or has recently held) opinions which have been right wing stances for years and nobody seems to be bothered.

Because it doesn’t really matter.

It actually should be alarming that people are bothered by all this.  That they are mobilized when usually they would be complacent.

Buckle up kids.  The engine is just getting revved up.

I’m back at it tomorrow.  Up at 3:30 am.  If my entire crew shows up to work maybe I can think more than I do the physical work.  Maybe I can give my legs a break.

I’ve also my eye on the future and bills that I need to pay.  Just like every other middle class citizen.  Just like anybody else who simply wants a distraction from all the difficult things in life.

I get a few hours each day to relax.  Dinner.  Time with my kids if I see them (unlikely).  My dog on my lap.

I take time to watch some baseball if there’s a game on.

Watch a show to numb the mind if I have something recorded.

We are defined by our jobs.  By how we feel about our situation at work.  Talk to anybody.  They will likely tell you about what happened at work quickly.

And at length.

Maybe traffic.

We are stressed by our financial system.  This is a conversation for another day.  Hopefully soon.

Out there in the rest of the world, well, people think it will all happen.  There’s a plan.  We can pay attention and try to affect it, but there’s no use.

Because they are all corrupt.  They are all wasting time and making money and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.  Nothing.

Because it doesn’t really matter.

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